3 Surprising Benefits of Modern Dating

When I first started online dating after a divorce (from someone I’d known since high school) my first impression was, “The water is already choppy.”

As I engaged more, I experienced dating culture as a bizarre alternate reality from my everyday experience of life and people.

The norms of how people treat one another aren’t great, to put it mildly.

Folks can be judgmental, unengaged, deceptive, inconsiderate, cowardly, and uncaring in a context of online anonymity that wouldn’t hold up in in-person environments.

Modern dating can be distracting and disheartening. The accumulation of dashed hopes and rejection can take a toll.

It can also be a slog. It’s hard to both maintain a friendly and open attitude while tolerating a bunch of mistreatment to sift through to try to find a decent person.

Over time I started to view online dating as a process of figuring out how someone was lying to me. I’ve gotten pretty good at it, and this is really not a preferred activity.

After taking a purposeful break from apps for over a month, I’m really struck by what a net positive it is to be away from engaging with strangers on the internet and to instead have more in real life time with my friends and hobbies.

I'm treated levels of magnitude better by my regular people and environments, and that has a correspondingly big positive impact on how I feel about life.

Apps are by no means a straight up positive experience. They skew pretty negative.

And still I value the time and experiences I was able to have by engaging with them.

Because through one lens modern dating isn’t just for finding a relationship. It can be a fantastic self-development tool, and I love self-development!

Here are 3 ways I grew from dating apps that have changed my life for the better.

I Grew in My Self Definition

Dating is about sharing who you are, along with your preferences and quirks.

Talking with a bunch of different, new men made me think about what’s important to me and how to explain who I am.

I realized from this experience that my favorite conversation is talking about navigating life, and I most enjoy people who engage in this conversation with me.

Sometimes men asked me interesting questions that made me think.

And sometimes I learned my answers to simpler questions that I just hadn’t been asked in a while.

I realized that I like traveling to see people, not places.

I learned from receiving reflections on my musical tastes that I like stripped down vocalists, with a little bit of piano or guitar. I’ve since narrowed this down even further to describe my genre as ‘self-help music,’ like what you’d hear in a yoga class.

I also found myself speaking up for my needs and feelings with much more confidence, particularly as I learned that doing this was an immediate feedback loop of incredibly helpful information.

I remember one instance where I sat on some misgivings about a connection for around a week. When I finally gathered up my courage and shared them (politely) the person immediately bounced.

From that point on I followed a protocol of when I felt something off, I shared it, often within a few hours of noticing it. I wanted to speak up so that I could see how someone would treat me and my concerns.

I’m a safe person for other people to share and be considered in their experience, and I now expect to be given a parallel experience of safety and consideration in relationship as well.

All of this has been helpful and solidifying in terms of my definition of myself.


I Grew in My Self Awareness

One fascinating part of dating that I was not expecting was seeing how I respond to a range of different people. Different parts of me show based on the person I’m engaging with.

Sometimes I felt immediately at ease and comfortable being all of myself. Other times I felt shut down within five minutes of meeting someone. Sometimes just reading a dating profile could make me feel insecure, which was striking (and definitely people I steered away from).

I made a practice of answering some reflection questions after a call or date.

I was frequently surprised at my mind wanting to like someone based on how they looked on paper when my answers to my reflection questions about my experience with them were literally screaming “NO.”

There was the one time I noticed that while a conversation had seemed fine on the surface there was a combative undertone to it, and my body was far more tense and agitated after the conversation than it was going in. I called the connection after that realization.

Taking a pause to reflect and honoring the reality of my experience over my imagination about who someone might be took some practice.

It taught me to bias my attention heavily towards people whose presence felt peaceful and comfortably and easily brought out all of me.


I Grew in My Standards

When I first started dating, I didn’t have a great sense of the norms, and I allowed a lot more anxiety in my life due to that uncertainty.

But over time I got to experience a wide range of treatment that taught me reasonable standards, along with when to cut ties.

I learned guys do know how to ask women out and plan dates.

I learned it’s normal to confirm a date in advance of it.

I learned that most times people who are interested in a second date will let you know that in a timely manner.

I learned what it felt like when someone was considerate with their planning and clear around their intentions.

I learned what an appropriate amount of texting felt like to me for a completely new connection. (Not much.)

I learned you can tell a lot about someone from how they handle a kind ‘not feeling like a match’ message. Problematic people often confirm that they’re problematic with ghosting or getting mean or upset or making demands.

​​​​​​​Good people are understanding and send well wishes. Particularly thoughtful people send well wishes plus a compliment. I so appreciate these men!!

From all these experiences I learned what it feels like when I’m receiving clear and kind treatment and when I’m not. When people treat me well, I feel at ease. When they leave me hanging or make last minute plans I feel more on edge. Now that I know the latter is unnecessary, I step away faster from any treatment that is not in alignment with how I would behave towards a friend.

Would I text a friend at 11 pm after twice confirming plans for the next morning to say that I just realized where we were meeting was too far away, and would they please come to somewhere more convenient to me? No. I would not. And, no, I did not go on that date.

A lot of dating is just saying no to crappy behavior and not letting it into my world. But I wouldn’t have known what supportive and kind dating behaviors feel like without the opportunity to experience the full range of contrast. And that’s why I’m appreciative of dating apps and modern dating. They’re incredible teachers, if you’re willing to learn.

As an aside, I also engaged with a bunch of hobbies this summer and fall, 100% from the intention of, “Maybe I’ll meet someone cool in person.” I have met cool people – lots of new friends! And while I didn’t meet someone in the sense I initially meant, I’ve met more and more of myself as I’ve engaged with things I’ve liked, which has been really cool.

Whenever we’re working on a goal there are going to be unexpected helpful byproducts independent of your achievement of that initial goal.

So whatever you’re working on right now, pay attention to the benefits you’re getting beyond just the original outcome you were wanting.

Maybe you’ve gotten better at a particular skill, made a new friend, learned about your resilience, or learned more about life or yourself.

Celebrate your growth and acknowledge this progress to keep your spirits up. Not every goal has to be an immediate home run to be a success.