Are You Learning Like This?

​​​​​​​After going through a divorce about two years ago I had to learn a whole new way of being in the world. Fifteen years of partnership had crafted my life in one way. Suddenly being without that structure meant a complete reimagination of life.

I remember initially struggling with what to do with my time because so many of my habits and connections were tied to my previous relationship and home.

The first summer by myself was filled with days that felt like forever because I didn't have enough in them.

There was also grief to process and a new home to build for myself, plus a fascination with learning how to date.

I got settled in my new place, got to know new neighbors and friends, accumulated more hobbies, and got pretty good at maneuvering dating.

I learned what I liked (anything creative or artistic).

I built new routines, like going to yoga and a favorite meal out on the weekends.

My days filled up again.

During my divorce one advisor noted that I had built my prior life that I liked, so I should be able to build a new life that I liked too, which I found highly reassuring.

There have actually been a lot of improvements in how I've re-built my life in this re-do. I'm more attuned to my needs, rhythms, and interests and my life today reflects that.
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At this point in time I feel solid in how to do life as a single person. I've learned to switch around the relational energy that was going into partnership while married into friends and community on my own.

That's been the major adjustment that has helped me enjoy being single.

In life we're always learning. Whether it's a new life season, a new job, a new relationship or friendship, or a new hobby. We repeatedly hit new circumstances that we have to figure out.

Here are my go-to mindsets when I'm learning that make it all more enjoyable and less painful. Taking out mental drama allows the core process of learning to work through faster and with greater ease.

1) Just show up and allow time for iteration.

At the beginning of a new thing it's normal to not be very good at it, to feel overwhelmed, or to feel a bit lost.

I recently took an improv comedy class. At the beginning my head was so full with the new inputs and frameworks. It was fatiguing to try to incorporate all the ideas at once.

I knew that if I just showed up through that initial phase my system was going to get more acclimated to the new environment.

Over the eight weeks of class I got more comfortable, to the point where at our recent showcase I felt calm and capable. I still have plenty to learn, but I've gotten through that most difficult initiation stage where everything feels new - just by sticking with it.
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Same thing for rebuilding my life. That first summer was an eternity, but it helped me learn that I needed to adjust my approach and have a better plan for the next year. This past summer was full to the brim with engaging experiences.

Don't let an initial difficult experience be the end of the story. Don't make it mean life is going to be this way forever. It was just your first, appropriately terrible shot. Keep trying and adjusting. Inevitably you'll learn and take a better shot the next time around.

2) Don't take a bad day (or season) personally.

There are going to be some days where things feel good and some days when everything feels off when you're learning.

There were nights in my improv class when I felt like my brain wasn't working at all. But I didn't worry about it or make it mean anything about myself. Some days are like that when you're learning.

If you keep showing up you're naturally going to get better. (Unless something is really not your thing. If that's the case, find something else that is a better fit!)

That slow summer didn't mean I was terrible at life. It just meant I was working on figuring out something new, and I didn't quite have it figured out yet.

If you're starting a new job and you feel like you're in over your head, just hang in there. You will get your bearings and you'll get better. We were made to learn and adapt.

3) Focus on the positives and reward your effort.

We all learn best in environments where we feel safe, so try to create a safe space for yourself in whatever you're learning.

I once heard in a writing workshop to only comment on the positives as this is strengthening and provides encouragement, which is fundamentally what every writer needs.

On those nights in improv where I felt like I totally bombed I reminded myself of some of the things I'd done well. I participated. I tried my best. I was working to integrate some of the concepts. I was a supportive scene partner.

Turning my focus in this positive direction and rewarding myself just for making the effort helped me feel good and want to keep going back to class.

While your skill is still developing be sure to encourage yourself for showing up and trying. Celebrate your persistence at working through the totally normal discomfort of figuring out something new.

4) Be friendly and open to being supported.

Things are easier when there are people around you supporting you.

Granted, being friendly can be a whole other skill to learn. It's worth learning!

I've gotten in the habit of chatting with people at most things I attend. Just by being kind and interested in other people I naturally build more of a net that holds me through learning curves.

Other people can pick me up a bit when I'm having a bad day or commiserate about the challenge of learning up a new thing.

I leaned heavily on my network during the early stages of being divorced.

I called friends. I reached out to mentors. I talked to a bunch of people who had been through divorce. I got so much from everyone's support and perspective. All of this was instrumental in helping me through.

My network could see the bigger picture and hold me through a rough time in a way that I couldn't do by myself.

Learning is one of my favorite things to do (and I've heard the same from many of you)! It's engaging to face a new challenge and to work through it. It's fun to see a progression and improvement.

Any time we're learning there are going to times when things feel hard. Be kind and compassionate to yourself about this and keep showing up.

Don't give up! Give yourself time to work through learning curves and your confidence will increase.