3 Tips to Find Your Power with Your Family
Earlier this month I was introduced to a beautiful poem by Billy Collins called The Lanyard. It speaks to the enormous effort our families put into us as children to get us to adulthood, along with how paltry our ability to repay this effort is when we're kids.
As much as families (hopefully) do to help us in life and as much gratitude I have for my own family and all that they've given me, heading into the holiday season can bring its share of challenges.
Here are a few sanity saving reminders for dealing with family over the holidays.
1) Agency - Plan With Your Needs in Mind
Agency means staying connected to your personal power and ability to make choices that are affirming for your feelings, wants, and needs.
Going into a family event disconnected from your agency might look like getting swept away into whatever the group is doing without regard to your preferences, partaking in a length of stay, activity, or indulgence that extends past your limits, or pasting on a smile while feeling frozen in place.
By contrast, when you hold onto your agency you're better able to make choices that serve how you most want to show up for yourself and others.
Some of these choices might be made in advance of a gathering - like you're only going to stay with the group until x o'clock.
Other choices might be made in the moment - like noticing you're feeling uncomfortable and excusing yourself to go to the bathroom or to pop outside to get some fresh air. Getting up and moving around is a fantastic and visceral reminder of your agency.
One of my favorite things to do for extended family visits is to plan some outings just for me - like pre-signing up for a yoga class. Signing up in advance takes away the decision of whether or not to go and just becomes something we all adjust around because there's a clear plan in motion. (A plan that takes care of me!)
With all of these choices you're utilizing your agency as an adult to take care of yourself instead of expecting the family to default meet your needs. You might receive some pushback for doing things differently at first, but over time it just becomes the new normal that Aunt Alison goes to yoga as part of family get togethers.
2) Perspective - Keep a Throw Line to the Outside World
Small groups of people, like family, can normalize uniquely problematic ways of being and relating. In particular, power dynamics are part of family dynamics because of differing ages and responsibility levels.
Spending time with family can leave us feeling off kilter or like a much younger version of ourselves both because of these dynamics and because family doesn't always update their mental map of who you are today. When a group of people treats you like you're five or thirteen it's natural for that aged part of you to wake up and respond.
One strategy I've found helpful is to keep in touch with folks who know adult me. Texting friends or stepping out for even a five minute chat with someone who treats me as I'm used to being treated can do wonders for helping me to hold on to my adult sense of self.
3) Protection - Know Your Limits
Oftentimes in my work as a career coach I see folks who are working on building into a new identity. This is an inherently tender and vulnerable thing to be doing! My advice for folks is that it's ok to keep things private while they're exploring and trying on new career identities. This is because it's hard enough to figure out what you want without a handful of influential and opinionated people weighing in on your every idea!
You can treat any area of your life as something that you choose to share or not based on the level of protection you need at that moment in time and the level of safety that you feel in any given environment.
It's fine to just share a big picture lens like, "I'm making progress on figuring things out" instead of doing a deep dive on something that you're feeling shaky on. And it's fine to change the subject or leave the conversation if you're getting a barrage of unsoicited advice.
You don't have to share everything or lay yourself open for judgement or unskilled remarks that will throw you off balance when you're already working through something difficult.
Hope you have a lovely holiday season, and also sending a big hug to folks who are missing family or connection.