My Online Dating Fails - A Growth Adventure

I was bad at online dating. I'd married (and recently divorced) my high school sweetheart, so I entered the online dating world without much experience.

Initially I didn't have good photos. Then I didn't understand the social norms. I overshared. I didn't like anyone. Then I bombed hard in front of someone I did like. I got friend zoned. I waited too long for someone who wasn't ready for a relationship.

I've been dating since March of this year, and it has been a completely fascinating experience with so many interesting lessons.

But today I want to share one lesson in particular, which has to do with learning.

Whenever we're doing something new, it is normal to be bad at it at first.

Whether you're starting a new job or business, picking up a hobby, or attempting a new life stage, the first thing that usually happens is a lot of suck.

And this is ok. It's to be expected. Really it's to be welcomed as a sign that you're alive and growing.

For example, one of my friends took a trip this past year that put her in a new environment with people she wasn't used to being around, and it was hard for her.

After the trip, she felt bad about the places where she hadn't taken care of herself as well as she'd wanted to and the places where she hadn't shown up as her best self. She initially saw it as a personal failing that she hadn't nailed this new situation.

But new situations are inherently difficult. We all have trouble with them. And we all do better when we've had enough time under tension to learn how to do something better.

I remember asking my friend, "What if this had been your tenth time taking this trip? How do you think you'd have done then?"

She immediately brightened. She shared that she would have been able to do it a lot better since she would have known the particular trouble spots she'd face and would have had the opportunity to learn how to maneuver them better.

If you would do something better the tenth time around, then your initial issues with it are not a personal failure. They are just unfamiliarity and a need to go through that particular learning curve.

Please give yourself some grace and kindness with whatever you're learning right now! When you fail at a new thing, remember that you're doing something hard, that nothing is actually going wrong, and that your effort and courage should be celebrated.

I was thinking about learning curves today as I've been maneuvering early dating with a guy I'm liking so far. The thing that happens with me when I'm in a new situation like this is that my focus gets thrown. I fall off my game. I'm more spacey.

I used to feel down about this, like, "Gah, why can't I just hold it together?" But this has happened enough times now that I recognize my loss of efficacy as a sign that I'm in a learning process. I'm doing less well with life overall because this scenario is new. And, like all things, I'll do better with it the more practice I have with it. So I can hold myself more gently and with acceptance that this is just where I am right now.

Keep showing up, embrace your mistakes and failures as signposts for what to adjust, and you will naturally get better at anything.

And, remember, if a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.