6 Tactics to Simplify Early Dating

Earlier this month I asked what topics you were interested in hearing more about, and my dating system was one of the lead responses! (Ok, so really only one person responded :P... J, this one's for you!)

Below are six guidelines I use to make early dating (aka sifting through people online) more lightweight and bearable.

These ideas are focused on online dating, because as an online business owner that's a comfort zone for me, not because that's the best or only way to meet people. Also, I'm looking for a long-term relationship, so my tactics are geared towards that.

The underlying idea of my strategy is based on the advice of a LinkedIn expert I met at a conference several years ago.

She repeatedly said, "The point of LinkedIn is to get off of LinkedIn."

By this she meant that LinkedIn was a great resource for making an initial professional connection with people, but if that connection remained completely in the virtual world, you were missing the point.

The point was to take that connection and to move it off of LinkedIn so that you could actually start to form a relationship with someone - over a phone call, zoom, or coffee.

Relationships are built in real time much more than they are built through written communication. Plus, social media messages (and texts) lack tone and depth.

So when I joined the online dating world last year, I had an easy touchstone to lean upon.

If the point of LinkedIn is to get off of LinkedIn, then the point of any dating app is to get off of the dating app.

Here are six things I learned over time about implementing this idea.

1) Screening Leads to Zero Bad Dates

It is really hard to get a feel for someone from a few prompt responses, photos, and text messages.

I didn't want to waste my time with people who I didn't enjoy, so I set up a mini screening process before I would go on a date with anyone.

The screening process was not intense.

It was just chatting with them on a call.

By chatting I was able to observe not only the other person's vibe, but also who I was when I was around them.

Did I feel small and immediately shut down? Not interested.

Or did I feel comfortable and chatty? That's a good sign.

Did this person talk the entire time? No thanks!

Or did they share conversational space? Yes please.

By using this strategy I've been able to have ZERO bad in person dates. (Fingers crossed I can keep this streak!)

I have had two somewhat boring dates and one date where a guy seemed to think staring at me intently would result in some insight into who I was, but every person I've gone out with has overall been a decent guy who I enjoyed spending time with, who actually showed up to the date, and who has been (mostly) respectful when we've parted ways.

Also, a huge benefit of this screening step is that it reduces dating fatigue. If I had gone out on a date with every person that I spoke to on a call I would be EXHAUSTED and probably pretty dejected.

By reducing the number of people I actually met in person, I've been able to maintain a good energy and attitude when I do go on a date.
 

2) I Don't Like Giving My Phone Number to Strangers, So I Don't

I understood that I needed to talk to people instead of texting them to get a better sense of them, but the few times early on that I gave out my number, I felt uncomfortable.

Was this person legit? Were they a bad actor? Would giving my number out lead to a bad outcome for me down the road?

I didn't like the anxiety this created. I made a half-hearted attempt to get a second phone, but that felt excessive.

And then I realized Zoom was a pretty anonymized way of connecting. I use Zoom for business, so I had the advantage of already having an account.

Once I switched to sharing a Zoom link instead of my number, I felt much more willing to connect with strangers. The potential downside of making a connection with a stranger felt reduced. (Some apps have a built in video call feature, and there are other ways to implement this idea if you don't use Zoom.)

Most guys I've encountered have been game to hop on a call. It saves everyone time and money. Though I will note in heterosexual dating being a woman requesting a call probably gets a higher response rate than vice versa.

I have had plenty of no shows to this initial call (including one guy who enthusiastically agreed and then silently unmatched me the day of our call - ugh), but the stakes are so low that when stuff like this happens I just take it as clear information that the person on the other end is not a good match and move on.


3) I Limit the Time I'll Spend on a First Call with a Stranger

Okay, so at first I would talk to people on an initial call for like an hour, and I took it really seriously.

Then I had one instance of a guy not following up after a solid conversation, one instance of me getting way too attached after one call, and one unexpected (though very interesting) hour-long lecture on Islam that taught me to keep an initial call pretty short.

Now I talk to people for about 15-20 minutes, and I let them know up front that it'll be a shorter call. I frame it as a vibe check.

You can't really learn if someone is a good match in this short time period, but you can learn pretty quickly if they are a bad match.

Like the guy who told me that he was amazing at everything and was looking for someone who would follow his leadership. I appreciated his clarity and directness and was able to let him know that that was not going to be a good fit for me.

Having a call limit is also a good way to see how people respond to boundaries.

4) I Pay Attention to What Happens After the Call

I've talked to about 70 guys on a zoom call, and I still don't have a clear idea on the protocol after having this call! And it seems like many other people don't have a clear idea either.

I try to be a good dating citizen and let people know directly if it doesn't feel like a match for me or send them a thank you if I'm interested in continuing to get to know them.

And then I just sit back and watch to see what the guy does.

Again, this is a heterosexual dating gender thing. While I'm happy to initiate a call with someone, I have learned that I have to wait for a guy who will open a relational door for me and work with me to move something forward (vs. me taking all the initiative). So if I'm interested in getting to know someone, I express that interest and then I leave the ball in their court.

Many times nothing happens, even after a nice initial conversation and even after I really like someone. It's uncomfortable to sit in the uncertainty of whether or not a guy is going to follow up, and oftentimes disappointing, but after a few days of nothing happening, the uncertainty goes away.

I also remember a dating podcast guest saying that she noticed that connections that had felt so important in the moment didn't matter at all after some time and were not still on her mind. I have found that to be true as well. It's just momentary discomfort and disappointment.

And then sometimes guys ask me out. Those are the guys I pay attention to and put effort towards... because the point of dating apps is to get off the dating apps!

5) I Don't Spend Much Time Texting People Early On

I have found this to be the key to maintaining mental health while on a dating app.

For many months I did not know or follow this rule, and I frequently commented to friends that I had fallen down an online dating rabbit hole.

At first texting with people was fun and exciting and hopeful! I'm a writer, and I easily wrote a book of text messages early on.

I would lose hours upon hours of time and focus having conversations that ultimately didn't mean anything!

"I've just been spacey," I would tell my business coach sheepishly.

Really I was very focused. I was just focused on something that was super low yield and distracting.

Over time I started to realize that someone's ability to pay attention to me over text had a very low correlation with their ability or interest in actually dating me.

Dating is about seeing and assessing whether you like someone's behavior over time. And texting is not behavior.

Here's my take after royally messing this up for quite awhile.

Texting with strangers:

• is distracting and destabilizing

• puts an inappropriate amount of attention on a stranger vs. the people in my life who actually care about me

• is creatively draining

• is addictive (those dopamine hits are real!) 

• adds more anxiety to my life

• negatively impacts my mental health (I could feel my mental health taking a hit when I was super active texting on the apps)

In contrast, NOT texting much with strangers:

• keeps my mental space cleaner

• gives me more focus

• allows me to put my creativity towards my work

• gives me more space for the people in my life who actually matter to me

• keeps my system in a calmer state

• helps me to feel mentally well 

So now I typically chat just enough to see that the other person is capable of reciprocating a question and then I invite them onto a zoom call. I probably get ghosted on the call more often with this abbreviated text method, but the mental health and time saving benefits of this approach are a big win for me. 

I still remember with glee how much energy I freed up when I first switched my approach away from texting!


6) Stay Grounded in Dating

Lastly, one piece of advice that I heard over and over about dating was how important it is to stay grounded in dating.

For a long time I Could Not Do This.

I would see something I liked in a profile or have a nice conversation with someone and my imagination would be off and running with hope about how amazing this new person might be.

Spoiler - they weren't that amazing and most connections don't go anywhere.

It was only after making this mistake around my overly hopeful imagination many, many times that I started to hold each connection much more lightly, closer to the proper weight of their importance in my life.

Unfortunately, I don't think there's a shortcut to being able to internalize this knowledge. My sense is it has to be earned experientially by going through the reps of meeting different people, seeing what happens, and then adjusting your expectations over time.


I will note that the above tactics took me some time to get the hang of. I didn't come out of the gate knowing how to do them. Dating is a skill, and the more time you practice any skill, the better you'll get at it. Also, you may want to modify these ideas to fit your style and preferences.

Hope that was helpful or interesting! Please share this with any friends who are working on dating.