Navigating Love (and Life) as an Introvert

I’ve recently been dating a kind, extroverted man. (Aside - woohoo! And apologies for not writing in a few weeks. New relationships are so distracting!)

In early dating I’ve found myself verbalizing a lot about how my introverted system works and what I need to function well as it relates to our time together. Happily, this man has been listening and really considerate about everything I’ve shared.

There was definitely a time when I wouldn’t have known all the characteristics of my operating system or known that it’s important to share them. But now I am aware that people are all different! What is obvious to me from a lifetime of living within my particular system might be completely surprising to someone living within a different system.

For example, I remember reading one autistic colleague’s description of how distressing she found the noise of some things rolling around in the trunk of the car. (This would have likely flown under the radar screen for me.)

She noticed that she was having a stressful, negative reaction to the noise. So, she asked her husband to stop the car so they could address the noise, which they did. From there she was able to enjoy the rest of the drive with greater ease.

I loved reading this simple example of the power of self-advocacy to improve a day.

Your system most certainly works differently than mine in some ways, but there are likely things that you’ve noticed or learned that help you to function well. It’s completely normal to have unique preferences based on neurotype,  sensitivities, or triggers.

Here are some examples of how my introverted system works and how I communicate about what I need to my boyfriend. Hopefully this gives you inspiration to feel more confident about speaking up when there are things that would help you to have a better experience of life.

1) Slower Processing Time

When I receive new information it goes through a lengthy introverted processing path, hitting on many different neural areas, before everything works through.

The good news about this is that I generally process things deeply and often come to cool insights due to the more thorough way my system works.

The more difficult things about this are that I can sometimes finish processing things in the middle of the night, which wakes me up. Or I can have trouble keeping up with conversations that jump between topics. Or I may not know how I feel about something right away.

What this looks like in practice with an extroverted boyfriend is that he processes things a lot faster. Early on I noticed sometimes I would be zoned out when he was talking. Not because I wasn’t interested, but because my brain was still working on the prior subject.

So I told him that it helps me to have pauses between topics. He now will sometimes try to leave me some extra space or check with me before switching gears, which feels amazing for me.

And just this week when there was a conversational jump that was too fast for me I spoke up to say that I wasn’t ready to move on to a new topic. He gave me space, and I got room to let everything work through and to get out all my thoughts on it. Then we moved on with me feeling much lighter and ready to address the new subject.

I’ve also shared that I can have trouble with intense media just before bed because I don’t have time to complete the processing loop before I fall asleep, which can then disrupt my sleep. I like that my boyfriend has already suggested a matinee for a movie date to help me with this.

And lastly, I’ve just accepted that when I have a new experience with my boyfriend or get new information, I’ll probably have a reaction to it (sometimes in the middle of the night) or the next day. I usually send a text with whatever has worked through under the heading “introverted processing!” Happily, he always catches my thoughts and replies with care to them.

This one isn’t so much something that I need him to do anything about. I just act in accordance with how my system works and share things as I know them, often a day later. And he is probably learning to expect that my reactions are shared slightly out of sync with when things happen.

2) Over Stimulation is Real

Because I naturally take in a lot of information with my introversion, I can easily get overstimulated.

Bed, Bath, and Beyond was a surefire recipe for me to go in feeling good and to come out feeling drained and overwhelmed. So many things to look at all at once!

When I have too much going on in the external world or in my mind, I have a physical sensation of my brain being blocked up, like a traffic jam. And I can’t take in anything new or really know what’s going on until the traffic has cleared.

The solution for me is white space and low stimulation activities. I have really honed in on this in the last year and it has felt amazing!

White space for me is just empty time to putter around mindlessly or to be still. It’s taking 5-15 minutes after a client call to lie down and let my mental traffic work through before doing something else. It’s giving myself a few minutes in the car before or after an activity to just stare out the window before moving on. It's seeing time where I'm staring into space or daydreaming as valid. It's allowing myself to have spacey days where I don't externally do much of anything, knowing that internally my system is working really hard to process everything through.

Similarly, low stimulation activities are pretty much my go-to favorite things to do when I’m not working or chatting with friends. I’ll rest, walk, stretch, color, clean, meditate, journal, or sit outside in nature. All of these activities give my system time to process and to relax without adding more stress to my system.

In my new relationship being overstimulated shows up in the following way.

Being with my boyfriend is fun like riding a bike. But the more I ride my bike, the more my tires deflate, which makes the experience less fun for me. So, I have to stop to inflate my tires sometimes to get back to a fun experience.

I shared this metaphor with him after cancelling a call so that he could understand my behavior was a system issue, not a personal rejection. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to talk to him. (I really enjoy talking with him!) It was that my tires were low (I had felt worn out and a pull towards a quieter night), and I needed that empty time to myself to re-inflate and re-center before I could plug back in.

All of the things I’ve shared with my boyfriend are because I want to have a good experience with him. I don’t want to be going around two steps behind a conversation, tired from poor sleep, or with deflated tires. I want to be at my (human) best.

And to do that I need to tune into and speak up for my needs, with the underlying belief that it’s ok to have these needs. That we all have them. And that someone who cares about me will want to respect the specific things that I need to function at my best.

May you also learn what works best for you and set up your relationships and your days in a way that honors what you need to have a great experience.

What's one thing you know you need that you could give yourself or speak up about this coming week? Reach out and let me know! I'd love to cheer you on.