A Counter Cultural Solution to Freaking Out!

My breathing was shallow. I felt agitated and upset. I couldn’t think straight or figure out the problem. I couldn’t find what I was looking for.

I’d just accidentally clicked delete on a Word document that I belatedly realized had a to-do list and some brainstormed ideas I hadn’t wanted to delete.

After ten minutes or so of googling how to retrieve a deleted document and failing on repeat at finding the things the instructions were telling me to find, I got up from my desk to get some food and some perspective.

A combination of being hungry, losing something accidentally, an unfamiliar procedure, and feeling ineffective had gotten me unusually worked up. I felt really off and stressed.

As I grabbed a snack it occurred to me, “Ah, this is dysregulation!”

I addressed my hunger, reassured myself that I would be ok even without this document, and offered myself compassion for making a mistake. I took some deep breaths and lay down for a moment to help myself calm down.

Feeling a bit better, I tried again to solve the problem. I found what had alluded me before, but ultimately didn’t keep working to recover the document because it wasn’t that important.

I’ve been learning how to regulate my nervous system, a pretty counter cultural thing to do, which means moments like this are both increasingly rare and more manageable.

We’re trained in this culture to do the opposite. In school and work we’re often taught to learn how to live in a dysregulated state, suppressing our physical and emotional needs in service of the task at hand.

In a crisis situation this is a handy thing to be able to do! But to live in a state of suppression of our needs is problematic for us.

Additionally, instead of being guided to honor our needs, we’re often pointed to coping mechanisms that offer short term pleasure to counterbalance the pain we’re feeling but still ignore what’s really going on for us.

Having lived in a dysregulated state for a long time myself in the past, I can share that moving towards regulation feels way better.

When I’m feeling regulated my sense of well-being is humming in the background, my window of tolerance for tough things increases, and I feel calm, cared for, and creative.

I’ll be doing a mini-series on what helps me to stay regulated and I’m starting this week with a biggie!

Community!!!
We're social creatures. (Spoiler - we’re mammals!) I read in a book recently that one of our adaptive advantages is that social connection can help us to avoid going into our stress responses of flight, fight, or freeze, which means we can access better modes of thinking when we are with other supportive people.

We’ve been sold the idea that health is about our individual bodies and choices, but our health is deeply intertwined with the well being of our connections and community.

So much of modern life and technology has separated us from connections with other people. We're self checking our groceries, ordering online, and have our heads down in our phones when we're out in public.

We’re all living in our individually curated worlds of content consumption, accustomed to convenience and anonymized interactions.

And yet community is a huge gateway to well-being because it means we don’t have to do all the work of regulation ourselves. We can lean on the group to help us co-regulate.

In my story about the deleted Word document, it took a fair amount of resources for me to work through the situation on my own. If there had been some good people (or just one supportive person) around me, I could have gone to them, shared what was happening, and had instant access to their perspective and compassion. Their presence would be a shortcut to getting to a calmer state.

After spending a solid chunk of time in the online dating world where people generally don’t treat each other that respectfully, I remember the relief I felt as I attended a local ballroom dancing class.

Everyone was smiling, friendly, and polite. My whole system relaxed. That’s community for you.

It’s not perfect, but it’s any place where people are trying to be good to one another as they come together, and the environment is generally safe.

Studies have consistently shown that the quality of our relationships is a huge predictor of our longevity and quality of life. Not only do our stress responses go down as we come together, but other people can help us through tough periods in life.

It can take some time and effort to find communities that feel like a good fit for you (and it’s normal to feel nervous attending a first event with new people), but tons of communities exist, and it is 100% worth it to expend that extra energy to plug into them.

One of my goals with Clarity Catalyst Coach is to build up more of a sense of community over time, and I’m smiling big that I'm adding in a new offering to do some awesome coaching together in community that honors my brand values of Camaraderie, Adventure, and Fun!

In 2026 I'll be launching Five Friday Field Trips, and this year I'll be running two trial runs of this format. Check out the Events link for details.

My hope is that having these regular, in-person touch points will help you to connect with other growth-oriented individuals, make some fun memories, and discover just how good your life can get by regularly checking in and making improvements in a supportive environment.

And if you’re not local to the DC area (or a full day of playing hooky on a Friday is too big of a commitment for what’s going on in your life right now), I’ll be running a shortened, virtual workshop version of these events for you too.

Curious what these workshops are like? Sample a workshop next Friday, May 23.

Community takes time to build, and I've got my eye on showing up over time (and through any initial slower moments) until we get this flywheel spinning and make something awesome together. Hope you'll plug in to the Clarity Catalyst Coach community anytime it feels right for you!