The Joys and Perils of Coaching

I took a life coach training when I was 25 years old and started a coaching business that same year. Before that I read self help books for years.

I basically grew up on coaching and personal development.

What I love about coaching is its ability to help us to grow, to create our lives, and to bust through limits.

Through implementing coaching concepts I went from a lost, sad, scared person to an intentional, generally happy, courageous person.

I built a business, did almost every psychologically scary thing I could find, and repeatedly updated my worldview of what was possible around time, money, quality of life, and creative possibility.

I love the way coaching provides tools and frameworks that are genuinely helpful, along with an action orientation that is empowering.

Coaching doesn't solve everything for people. There are some fundamentally difficult things in life that we all will have to go through.

But, in my experience, coaching is like giving folks tools to hold onto and things they can work with to get better at in their lives. It gives a sense of power and control in a challenging world.

From coaching I learned to dream and to work through discomfort and fears as I went for my dreams. I learned to pay attention to my thoughts and developed a growth mindset that lets me fail forward and take imperfection action en route to bringing things to life. I learned the power of action to impact my life.

I am so grateful for coaching. Its accessibility, practicality, and creativity are wonderful. Coaching has given me competence and confidence. Actively applying its ideas grew me into something stronger than I was before.

And I am also now more aware of some of the pitfalls of leaning too hard on this one modality.

I'm coming out of a lengthy learning curve having to do with relational dynamics, relational health, healing, emotional honesty/ care/ regulation, community support, and awareness of privilege.

These were all real blind spots for me when I only had the coaching lens at my disposal.

For many years I did not even understand how to name where my problems were. (Or understand the scope of issues other folks were bringing to the table.)

For example, for years I kept thinking I was having a business problem when in reality I was having relationship problems. Turns out identifying the problem you're having correctly has a lot to do with how successful or not you are in solving it.

I did have the sense that even though I could create most anything I wanted to create, I was missing something.

In 2019 I started a fumbling journey forward into figuring out what I was missing.

Turns out I was missing my emotions. I'd gotten so good at pushing through my fear and developing a strong mindset that I wasn't letting my genuine emotional experience be heard or worked through.

I was missing an understanding of my historical trauma and a flawed, inherited relational map that had me frequently over giving while neglecting myself and my needs.

Then there were the parts of myself that were getting overrun and left behind in my relentless forward motion. Young parts that needed, and continue to need, my adult reparenting and ongoing care.

I was missing community and connection and perspective that provide grounding and stability.

It's like coaching developed this one action taking part of me into a really powerful entity, but it neglected all these other parts that were not keeping up or being considered in my goal achievement focus.

I now see a real disconnect between how coaching grew me incredibly in terms of my ability to move in the external world, while simultaneously leaving me underdeveloped in other areas, my intimate relationship skills being a primary example.

I could mentally hold the idea of creating a billion dollar company. 

But it had never occurred to me to ask my partner for help with a party we were hosting or to speak up when I felt hurt or to directly communicate what I needed to feel good. I didn't know I was allowed to take up space in my own home. I didn't know what psychological safety felt like in partnership.

I love exploring, and these past six years have taught me so much about what healthy intimacy actually looks and feels like. (And, yes, my coaching habits have been super helpful in finding what's possible in relationship!) I've got to say, it is looking somewhat incredible to have discovered what self advocacy and correspondingly being treated well at home is like. Who knew!? I sure didn't.

I've been catching up those underdeveloped parts and integrating everyone into my system through therapy, meditation, support groups, friendships, community, and volunteer work. I've overall been creating a network of support systems to help me be a better, more balanced leader.

With all of this work, I'm still a coach at heart. I'm hopefully wiser in knowing when coaching is appropriate and when there's a different presenting problem that needs a different skillset and can now name that for you.

But helping each of you to grow, create, and find what's possible in your life is a never ending joy for me.

Whether that's in your career, business, a creative pursuit, your lifestyle, your finances, or your relationships, let's see how good we can get this thing called life. Let's bust some limits and update our mental maps. Let's get a clear picture of something awesome. And then let's make it happen (or recognize the need for a break!), with ever greater care for all the parts of ourselves along the way.

And 1-1 coaching is always available. Bring something you're working on or wanting to improve and we'll have some fun making progress together.

Thanks as always for being a part of my world and my journey. It is my delight and pleasure to be your coach as you go through your own journey of life.