Surround Yourself with People Like This

Here’s what’s happening over here.

Most visibly and importantly, I’m wearing a hot pink, chunky bracelet. Because this is the color that I most enjoy accessorizing with at the moment. I have also procured a hot pink water bottle, visor, and backpack, and I don’t think that I’m done with this color yet. I will keep you posted.

I’m also placing my bets on investing in engaging with and building healthy communities.

In my personal life I’m plugged into many different groups where I respect the leadership and the vibe of the group, and I feel like I can be my full self around the other people.

And in my work life (that’s here!) I’m focusing on building a community space for us that gives us time to talk about life and make it better, connect through coaching and games, and have good times with some movement and nature thrown in for good measure.

See the Friday Field Trip initiative on Eventbrite! I know this is a thing that needs to exist, so just buckle in because you’re going to hear be hearing about it for a long time, hopefully with better marketing as I go. (I intend to film a video about this with me wearing mascara. When the mascara comes out you know that I’m serious.)

I’m also in my era of reasonable people. So while I would gladly take your recommendations on hot pink accessories. And I would highly encourage you to stop reading this immediately and sign up for this summer’s inaugural Friday Field Trip, the reasonable people thing is what I want to focus on.

Because reasonable people are great.

They are considerate, caring, and reciprocal.

They turn down the volume when the tv is on too loud in the common area late at night with a friendly and understanding attitude. They agree and support requests to take a step back and consider a group trip location before charging forward with planning. They are game to talk things through when feelings get mussed, as feelings inevitably will do in any ongoing connection.

Reasonable people don’t always get things right. But when something is brought up where a reasonable person is getting it wrong, they’re able to take that feedback into consideration and adjust so that your perspective is then included.

Reasonable people can also have bad moments, days, or approaches. We’re all human! (None of us are at our best all the time, and we all have less patience when we're tired, hungry, or stressed.) Being reasonable is not about being perfect. But again, when less than ideal things happen reasonable people can apologize and adjust their behavior.

Reasonable people will also tell you when something is bothering them, so that you can take them into account.

It is amazing.

One of my favorite authors is Lindsay C. Gibson, who writes about emotional immaturity. When I’m describing reasonableness, I’m really talking about emotional maturity.

Because you know who is not reasonable? Small children! They can be rigid, egocentric, emotional, tantrum throwing, delusional, and sometimes just plain mean. They haven’t developed into humans with the capacity to take other people into account, to be more flexible, and to emotionally regulate for the greater good. That’s some of what growing up gives us, ideally.

But not always.

There are lots of adults who are walking around in full grown, adult bodies with the emotional immaturity and lack of development of a small child.

People who can only see their own perspective. Who expect the world to revolve around them. Who blame everyone around them for their emotional state. Who blow up unexpectedly.

These are all unreasonable behaviors. And I’m personally finding that not being around these behaviors (other than when they are in small children I love and who are adorable) is such a wonderful way to go through life.

In Dr. Gibson’s work she shares that when we can name that the issue in a dynamic is someone else’s childish behaviors, it can take a lot of the sting out of a situation.

It’s not that we’ve done something wrong that we’re getting some overblown reaction. It’s that the other person is lacking in emotional maturity and so they don’t have access to better coping skills to handle a particular situation.

And you clearly were not the cause of someone else's developmental delay because you were not around however many decades ago when they were forming.

Along these lines, I also notice in myself and my friends that when our histories have included unreasonable people, it can make us quite cautious to share reasonable requests. Things didn’t go so well for us in the past when we spoke up and that made an impression.

But as adults with agency, we can now choose to be around people who do have the capacity to be more thoughtful.

The more I’m around reasonable people the more comfortable I am with speaking up for my needs. I’m starting to expect that I’ll be treated well. And in those instances where I’m not, it stands out even more that someone else is being unreasonable.

If you notice that you feel hesitant to speak up or self-advocate, try putting yourself in environments with reasonable people. It’s just going to go a lot better when you’re engaging with people who have the capacity to consider you.

And if you notice places where you're having a big or unreasonable reaction to something, please know that's just part of being human and a place where you could get some support around growing yourself up. It's totally okay to be imperfect and growing. We all are.

Three cheers for emotionally mature adults (and those of us growing into them)! Y'all are a delight to be around and I'm thrilled to be in the era of association with you.