One Glimmer Changed My Entire Approach to Coaching

For almost ten years after going through life coach training, I surrounded myself with coaching environments. I had more accountability buddies than I can remember, worked with numerous coaches, participated in multiple masterminds, and attended workshops as a regular part of life.

I loved how coaching was about creating a better future and being supported in figuring out both how to do that and working through what was in the way.

Because of the influence of coaching, I did scary things and expanded my world tremendously. I completed projects and got better at managing my mindset and output. I regularly connected to dreams and created things that brought me joy.

I also overrode my needs, used mindset tools to stay in denial about a relationship problem, took on debt in pursuit of the next big thing, and was often living in the future instead of the present.

And then in 2018 I joined a small group at church.

The environment was foreign to me at first.

We weren’t supposed to talk to one another or actively support each other. We were just supposed to share something on our mind or heart and then to listen while other people shared. To hold space for what was real and true for them.

Everyone had a turn and an opportunity to share. In that space we all got to know ourselves a bit better. We got to slow down. We got to connect to our hearts and the full spectrum of lived experience.

These groups weren’t about what I was doing in the world, though I could certainly share that. There was just an opportunity to tell the truth about what was happening for me and my life and to hear others do the same. I was also encouraged to notice and share what I was feeling.

These groups accepted me no matter what I had going on (or not going on).

It was a bit of a revelation to my system.

I was so accustomed to environments that requested me to improve or to identify that next goal on the horizon. To charge forward in my ambition and to dream bigger.

But these church groups started to teach me about the broader rhythms and seasons of life. After being in a lot of professional spaces where the focus was on just that side of people (and a bias toward achievement and what was going well), I saw our broader humanity.

None of us are winning all the time. We all go through pain and loss and change and tough seasons.

Over time I also started to notice something.

Most every time I went to one of these small group meetings, I left feeling energized and restored. I was smiling and lighter. There was a glowing feeling in my heart. My mind had more perspective on life from hearing the range of experiences people were going through. And everything seemed a bit better and more manageable.

These groups became a glimmer and a bright spot in my life.

Looking back, these groups were my first experience of receiving psychological safety in a group setting.

I wasn’t challenged or pushed. I was accepted.

I didn’t have to perform or put on a happy face. I could be honest and share how I was really feeling.

I didn’t have to fight my way into a conversation. I was remembered and invited in.

I never had to report back in on my progress (or lack thereof). I could just be where I was.

Additionally, in the structured format of these groups meant there were some notable things that rarely occurred. Things like criticism, judgment, put downs, one person overtaking the group, another person being left out, advice, over giving, or fixing.

It occurred to me recently that without consciously meaning to I have been adding more and more environments like this to my life to the point where they are my normed experience.

When I first started online dating, I tried to explain to people that I basically just like talking about life.

Because so much of what I do with my free time is exactly this under different guises.

Learning Spanish? I’m just doing friendly chatting with people. Meditation group? We meditate and then there’s space for everyone to share. Codependency meeting? We offer a feeling word and then we share for a few minutes without any commentary. Hanging out with friends? We each share what’s going on and are supportive without overstepping.

I am really into talking about and figuring out life. (I love my job as a life coach where I get to do this too!)

Though maybe what I’m really into is psychological safety. I love being in environments where it’s safe to talk about life and what’s really going on.

This clicked for me when I went out to a volunteer meeting where the environmental components I’ve begun to take for granted were not present.

I was in a room where opinions were flying around. People were talking over each other. The conversation jumped from thought to thought without pausing to understand or acknowledge what had been shared. People were disagreeing and expressing non-verbal distaste for other’s comments. There was a verbal one-upmanship feel as folks showed off their intellectual ideas.

I sat in this conversation with mildly bugged out eyes, saying nothing and noticing that I was both really uncomfortable and eating a ton of chips and guac.

(Aside - If you find yourself behaving in ways you don’t really want to be behaving, like inhaling a lot of chips and guac or being more quiet or nervously chatty than you want or whatever else. Take. A. Look. At. The. Environment. You. Are. In. before blaming yourself or being hard on yourself. If you’re in an unsafe place, it is normal to try to self soothe or protect yourself.)

This room made me realize how often I had been in combative intellectual spaces like this growing up and how I’d never really liked them then, but I didn’t know there was an alternative.

There is an alternative.

Psychological safety.

Places where there’s built in respect and consideration. Where it’s safe to be your full self. Where you’re accepted just as you are.

We can still talk about big ideas and knock out big goals in these spaces, but the foundational stance is about caring for the people who are having those ideas and goals first.

Providing psychological safety is now a baseline aspiration in everything I create and offer. Because we all learn and grow best when we are feeling safe.

And as I move through the world, I’m more consciously finding those spaces and people who provide psychological safety for me.

I hope you do the same.

If you are curious about psychological safety or need a benchmark of what it feels like, come out to a Friday Field Trip or join a Clarity Circle (keep an eye out for the next groups that are starting in September). 

Not only will the content of what we discuss make your life better, but feeling the context of psychological safety will change your life.

It’s a huge factor in well-being. Because when you feel safe, you’re more fully in the room, you’re better able to speak up, and your nervous system calms down. This is the benefit of being a social mammal. We can support each other in relationship and all of our levels of well-being improve.

It’s like one of my yoga teachers says at the end of class, “I’ll keep my eyes open so yours can close.” We aren’t meant to go it alone. We need each other and psychologically safe environments to thrive.