Why You Matter Right Now

Here’s what we sometimes mean when we’re talking about purpose.

“I’m trying to find that extra special accomplishment in the world that will make people love and adore me and prove once and for all my worth and importance.

Like I’m looking for that thing to share at the dinner parties that will really make people stop and go, 'Wow. You’re really somebody in the world.'

It would be great if this purpose could also remove all the uncertainty of life, keep me completely safe, and take away all the pain of being human."

Is it any wonder you’re having trouble identifying that one perfect thing that will resolve your entire life?

The premise is inherently off.

For anyone who’s ever looked at an alumni magazine or an X under X age range with some mix of jealousy and pain, here’s a gentle reality check.

Achievement doesn’t heal. (Though it does strengthen.)

You’re already worthy.

And being human has ups and downs no matter how many dinner guests swoon at your presence.

Here are some more direct paths to getting the love and care you’ve been wanting.

1) Go to Therapy

Therapy isn’t just for when your mental health isn’t doing so hot.

Therapy is for relationships and relational healing! (Maybe you knew this? I did not know this for the longest time.) Because our trauma, the places we’ve been hurt or missed, occurred within relationships. We heal within supportive relationships too. Also, therapy and trauma healing modalities have really improved recently. This makes me very hopeful.

Our skills at relationships are what increase our capacity for feeling love both within ourselves and out in the world.

So, if you’re secretly hoping that if you just did that Very Important thing or won that award or made that shit ton of money that someone in your life will get how incredibly awesome you are and finally treat you well or you'll get the safety you've been craving – go right to the source and heal that young, hopeful part of you.

We’re really sold a bill of goods that accomplishments are going to resolve our internal pain. They aren’t.

How could they?

How does being away from your loved ones (and ignoring the concerns they’re sharing with you) as you build that great big thing ever equate to those relationships thriving?

How does a photo shoot for the cover of an important magazine translate to your ability to self-advocate with a partner and share when you’ve been hurt?

How does being a podcast guest on that big name show resolve the inner disconnectedness you’ve been feeling?

It does not. The math does not check out.

We solve relational problems (with ourselves and others) by working on ourselves and our relationships. Therapy is a great tool for skill building and healing.

You can still go out and do amazing things. Just do them from a stronger foundation of self-worth.

Avoid the impossible stakes of trying to earn love or safety through achievement. It does not work. I’ve tried!

2) Learn and Practice Being Kind to Yourself

Develop a kind inner voice that has your back, forgives your imperfections, and has huge self-compassion for your very normal, faulty humanness.

If you aren’t sure how to do this, try practicing Dr. Kristin Neff’s 5-minute Tender Self Compassion meditation regularly (link is shared below).

Learn your preferences from everything from your favorite snack to the location of your ideal lazy afternoon to the music that never fails to make you dance. Do everything you can to give those preferences to yourself.

Reflect on things you love about yourself (and your body) and things you did a good job on in any given day.

Take a break. Be gentle and patient and encouraging. Ask for the things you’re needing.

Build up some inner trust that you are going to go through life in the context of a heart that loves you fully and treats you with incredible care and consideration.

You are the one constant in your own life. Putting attention into getting awesome at treating yourself well and taking your preferences seriously is going to improve your life. (It will also set up you up for following the trail of your interests in the working world.)

3) Learn to Be Regulated

This is kind of like #2 but is from the lens of how your well-being impacts those around you.

We’re all interconnected in some fascinating ways. Which means you’re important and part of the greater whole just by being alive.

You matter. Just by being here.

When you’re calm and regulated (emotionally and in your nervous system), you’re contributing to the world independent of any action you take.

When you radiate the kindness that you (hopefully!) give to yourself to the people around you, you make the world a better place.

Go do that. (Or take a step back and figure out how to do that and then go do that.)

4) Be There for Your People

Please note the order here. Take care of yourself first! And don’t make sacrifices for people that wear you down (other than temporarily for emergency situations). Have appropriate boundaries in place for what keeps your well.

But when you’ve got yourself in a decent place, show up for your people.

Be present for your partner and your kids if you've got them. Call your friends and family. Reach out to a new person at a class or workshop. Show up when someone is having a tough time. Host a thing. Volunteer in your neighborhood.

Basically, pay attention to your relationships and feed those bonds with consistency. We create safety in the world through our acceptance of others, our kindness, and our reliability.

It matters. It really, really matters to do this.

For your well-being, but also for the well-being of the people around you. We need each other and we do better when people are there for us in our lives.

You don’t have to do this perfectly. Not every moment of a connection will be meaningful. You may have to work through some sticky places (see #1).

And fundamentally, this is a universal purpose we all share.

To be there for our people. To help the group make it through as best we can.

We have such a high standard of living right now that we can superficially get away with ignoring this as we self isolate in a mini bubble of our personalized social media feeds and favorite television shows.

But we do so at our own peril. Because though we’re living in an individualistic society, we are social creatures.

Connections, feeling part of a caring group, and contributing to that group is a common purpose that serves all of us.

* If you’re feeling completely disconnected from anyone or anything, that’s ok! We’ve got a loneliness epidemic, so it’s going around and you’re in perfectly fine company. Start reaching out somewhere. It could be plugging into an old friend, coworker, or neighbor. Or put some effort into forming new connections. Join (or start!) a group that interests you or come out to a Friday Field Trip. Endure the nerves and awkwardness and just keep showing up over time. If that group doesn’t work for you, try again until you find your people. 

Life is full of uncertainty, challenges, and ups and downs. And life goes better when our internal systems and our external relationships are in good working order. We can work on these things independent of our life circumstances and achievements in the world.

Ironically, doing this work will also help your ability to achieve things in the world, which is fun! It’s great to learn, grow, and build things in the world. Just pay attention to why you’re pursuing things. If it’s to finally feel loved and accepted, there are some more direct paths to that goal.

Here's the Tender Self Compassion break link. Check it out!